Saturday, December 26, 2009
I just spent the past hour or so washing dishes. My hands are slowly becoming less like raisins, although they still have the complete softness of constant exposure to soap and water. My fingers glide across the keys of my computer as I type, I feel as if they barely touch the keys I intend to enter, less concerned about what to write and more intent on slipping over and across.
I take for granted these two hands of mine. They are capable of doing so much, and yet I rarely thank them or give them any attention. Not that I should go around looking at them and saying oh thank you hands for being great at opening doors and throwing frisbees and driving stick shift cars and writing words on paper and holding other hands. But I think I should at least be grateful to them for all I've put them through.
For instance, four years ago I was playing tug-of-war with some friends. I stood in the front of my line of eight people, wrapped the rope once around my right hand, and waiting for the "go!" Needless to say my hand broke instantly. 5th metacarpal completely broken, 4th with fractures. It healed quickly, and I am more or less able to use it as if it were brand new. There are times when I remember it's not the 'ol perfect hand it used to be, but it does well.
Later that year, I had a scooter accident where I badly scarred that same hand. Blood dripped everywhere, but scabs formed in a matter of hours and slowly fell away over the next couple weeks. You have to deliberately look at it to see any scarring. I've also been bitten by a stupid chihuahua, sliced a finger open with a pocket knife, and so on and so forth.
For some reason, in all they've been through (mainly my right hand), I've still been told every now and then that I have beautiful hands. I suppose that's a good compliment to get, in fact I'd much rather hear that than have someone come up to me and say wow, your hands are quite ugly. I won't complain of course, I like compliments, and in all conceited honesty, I agree.
But what of my hands?
Do I protect them and do my best to keep them beautiful, clean and well trimmed? Or do I go out into this world and get them banged up, dirty and scarred? I can't exactly think the right way to go is the former. I can't think there would be any reason for me to stay clean and dainty. That's right, I used the word dainty. No, no I don't think so. So be ready world, my hands are going to grab you by the horns.
Or something like that.
And these frail hands, they tremble as they pen perhaps their last. And these weak words, can never say what cannot be surpassed. I need your love, and most of all I want to feel your peace. I need your love, let everything that you are not decrease.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Did you visit the link? Because I really think you ought to. You're not going to get any more words out of me that would interest you. All you need is to read where I sent you. And all you need to know is I love my grandparents.
I've heard it said that he wastes nothing, so beautiful to behold, the Author of my hope is writing the greatest story ever told.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Everyone seems to be flying home for the holidays. Soldiers on leave, dads getting back from business trips, students done with college for the semester; families returning to one another. There is a sense of joy and excitement in the air. An aura of love and good tidings to all.
For myself though, things are different. I am flying away from my family as we speak. Lost somewhere above Arizona or New Mexico at 39000 feet. I do not know what I will be doing this Christmas day. Usually I am at home with my family opening presents, eating food, and resting. Not this year. Maybe I'll be working. Maybe I'll be watching another family celebrate the joy of Christmas together.
The choice was my own. My work said I could have the time off. They said I could take this week and be away its entirety. They gave me an awkward look when I told them I'd rather it be the week before. Most people did. Most people were dumbfounded when they heard I wasn't going to be home on Christmas day. I thought it wouldn't make a difference. I thought I'd be fine. I don't think that's going to be the case.
Yet I wouldn't change my decision for the world. If I were asked to choose again I would do the exact same thing. I wouldn't even think twice about it. I wouldn't change one single minute, not even one single second.
It was too beautiful.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
I feel like this is just the beginning. The precursor to what is going to turn out to be the grandest of all adventures. And I'm okay with that, I always have been. It's just that I'm beginning, after being in a whole new place for the past two weeks, to realize that this is it. It's not the warm-up, it's not the stretches, it's game time. I can't be living as if this were just one more step before life truly begins. In a way that's how it's been. Ever since graduating college really.
In college it was simpler though. I had classes I needed to pass, and so that made the wondering how each day was supposed to pan out much easier. In those classes were people who lived in the dorm I was living in, ate in the caf I was eating in, and played the same intramural sports I was playing. Life and relationships just happened. There was always someone you could find who shared a common like or dislike, and as a result you became friends.
Video games kept us awake through ungodly hours of the night, late term papers had the same effect, and at times conversations in the prayer room lasted way too long. Did anyone ever actually pray in there? Maybe that's why they took it away. In any case, strong friendships were forged through these times, as well as broken I'm sure, but not as often.
Four years have passed since then though. Each of us having lived over a thousand days, over thirty-five thousand hours. At first we stayed close to the city we graduated in. Our friendships were more important than our living arrangements. But as time passed, and the realization that we needed to get our lives in order, we spread out. Cheaper housing was available anywhere over five hundred miles away. Jobs and families had stronger bonds than our desires to stay nearby to one another.
Maybe we finally started realizing that we needed to live our own lives. We couldn't live vicariously through each other, no matter how hard we tried. And maybe the only way we thought this possible was to move away from the friends we loved, the relationships we built over the past eight years. The closest "friend" I have from college lives 215 miles away, and we haven't even truly spoken since we graduated. The next closest is 900 miles away, and I don't even want to know what mileage category the others fall into.
I suppose what I'm saying is that we're now all out on our own. True life has hit us and we've decided to grab it by the horns and hope the ride ends somewhere enjoyable. We're ready to be held responsible for our actions, we're ready to build more relationships that will last longer than forever. We're ready to dig in our toes and our heels and plant ourselves in the soil that has been eagerly awaiting our arrival since birth.
Where will our roots go though? Will they only linger among the topsoil and weeds that have no nourishment and only sporadic water? Or will they penetrate deeply into the firmament that longs to be tilled its entire life? It's entirely up to us, but as I said in the beginning I feel like this is the time to do it. It's not up to us to worry about where we will find ourselves tomorrow or next year. It's not up to us to try and change the seasons in our lives or force change that might not be ready to happen.
Life, as complicated as it may be, is meant to be lived.
But not haphazardly, or lazily.
Take today, for all it's worth, and live the best way you know how. Just try it. I dare you.
Just off the border of your waking mind. There lies another time where darkness and light are one. And as you tread the halls of sanity, you feel so glad to be unable to go on. I have a message from another time. Godspeed.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I don't think it's hitting me yet, being away from home. Probably because every time I stop in Arizona my next direction is always West. These trips have always been wonderful. I get to visit with dear friends, eat delicious food, and relax to my heat's content. After that I find myself driving down the 202 W, to the 10 W, 60 W, 91 W, 55 S, 5 S and I'll be home. But tomorrow morning will be different.
No driving toward the sunset, only away from it. The 10 E is calling my name, and it's a road I've never taken before. A road that is probably flat and boring. A road that rambles through Tucson and Juarez, Ozona and Boerne. The destination; known but unknown, visited but foreign.
This destination though, will not be flat and boring. This I know for sure. There will be ups and downs, twists and turns, and I'm sure a lot of "if at first you don't succeed"s. As far as I know I can't prepare myself for it, can't have any idea of what to expect. Am I ready? Let me answer that with another question - what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
It's all a mystery right now though. The light is only a few feet in front of me, which isn't always appreciated. I'm hoping this changes soon, only time will tell. Only time will tell.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
i need a camera.
to freeze this moment in time.
the smile on your face as you come running into my arms.
i never want to let you go.
"tirarme" you shout.
up, up, up you go.
you couldn't be happier.
days like this don't come as often as they should.
love at its most unadulterated form.
"this is my friend. this is my friend!"
your words couldn't ring truer.
Searching for more than mere lies disguised as dogma, tired eyes tend to wander, seek the light. Create in him a sense of awe that sees Your beauty, let Your splendor flash with blinding light. Standing tall all the aspen trees drink water as the rain falls down like laughter from the sky.