The Sun Also Rises

Sometimes I feel as if my deepest thoughts, if shared, will scare the people around me. Not that they're evil, or that they wish ill-will upon anyone, just that people seem to want you to be happy, and not in the least bit frustrated at life at certain times. We give off these vibes that say - I want you smiling all the time and I don't want anything you might say to bring an ache to my heart because I'm having a great day and my life is good. Maybe it's the way we were brought up, or we can relate it to something we learned in school or how someone hurt us in the past.

Maybe it's none of that. 

Sunday, in a way, was a day like this. I don't know what triggered it, or if there was any happenstance that caused my mood to automatically drop eighty degrees south. But all of a sudden I didn't want to be around the lovely people I was with. I wanted to go back home and sit in my messy room by myself, and hold some kind of idiotic pity party. I didn't, thankfully, but my attitude was still immediately noticed by most of everyone there. I told myself to snap out of it - and I did my best. I still don't think my best was good enough for the rest of the night though.

I know though, that it has to do a lot about this whole move. It's frustrating. It's difficult. And in complete honesty I'm scared crapless to see how it's all going to work out. I feel like I can't interact with people as I'd like to, because I'll be gone in slightly more than two months and they'll never care to talk to me again. Harsh? Let's face it - if "friends" aren't checking in on me and asking when they'll be able to see me again, why the hell would that change for the better if I'm 1,300 miles farther away? I feel like the time spent there, precious as what I have now, would amount to what...surfacy conversation?

Correct me if I'm wrong, because I know that there's some absolutely wrong reasoning there. I've talked over the whole friendship thing with a few friends, and it seems as if the conclusion always comes to the fact that if people aren't willing to take the time to see how life is treating you and how you're really doing, then why is there any reason to make an effort back. I'm not saying I don't try at all, and wait to see if anyone truly cares about me. No, I do take the time out of those I truly know will be friends with me forever, I just don't know how much effort I'm going to put into something that has no reciprocation. (Sidenote: Facebook tells me I have 780 friends. What an utter lie.)

Sigh. 

I don't know what to do about all of this. It seems to be a lifelong process that only has one step forward for every three steps back. It's complicated, I know, but maybe, just maybe I'll be able to come to some sort of small conclusion that allows me peace of mind.

I believe the sun also rises, dries our tears, bringing the blue skies of day. I believe the sun also rises, lighting our paths, driving the darkness away.